Your higher power is who you think is in charge

Being a practical addict is sometimes an uphill battle. I want things to make sense. When things don't make sense, I want to reject them. One big obstacle is the concept of a higher power. I've developed a working relationship with my higher power in a practical way that works for me.

It's a slow process and it comes down to this: what am I willing to believe today? I have not had a great thunder-strike realization about God. I'm trying not to stand in the way of that happening, but I'm also not waiting around for it. I can't afford to wait around for me to completely accept a concept of a higher power. I could die before then, or at least live miserably before then. I don't think that's my higher power's will for me. So I need to find a concept of a higher power that I'm willing to believe in today.

I've made a lot of progress in accepting the reality of a higher power in my life. I'm not going to get into the particulars on this post, or maybe any post. I realized last night in a meeting that I keep my concept of a higher power pretty sketchy. I think that's practical for me, because I have a tendency to tear down the things I construct. Negative skepticism. My experience so far and my expected experience for the rest of my life is that God will be revealed to me only partially. I need to keep my attention on the fraction of my imagination that has faith rather than the fraction that lacks faith. It's hazy now and will forever be a little hazy. So, I need to be at peace with the haze, with the doubt.

But back to the point at hand, my first toehold into having any faith in a higher power is this: my higher power is whoever or whatever I believe is really in charge. It's a simple question: What is the ultimate authority in my life?

The practical aspect of this for me is that I can start my faith in a higher power without having to believe in anything supernatural. Even a complete atheist -- which I'm not -- has a concept of the ultimate authority. No one believes there are no rules. You can deny Noah's flood, but you can't deny gravity or death or the sweetness of a lollipop.

When I reflect deeply on what or who is really in charge, it exposes the fact that I have been living my life under the control of some false gods. The primary false god is me. I have found anxious refuge many times in the belief that I am the ultimate authority. I say anxious, because being my own higher power is a miserable experience. I am a jealous god and my subjects are very uncooperative.

The other ultimate authority has been my parents, or more broadly "other people." I seem to have this chorus of clucking Presbyterians continually holding judgment over my thoughts and actions. This higher power, while moral, consistent and fairly accessible, has not been particularly humane, at least not towards my native inclination to fail to take faith at face value.

My relationship to a higher power has developed through reviewing my preconceived notions of ultimate authority. I take up the idea, reflect on it and accept what I can believe and discard what I can't. This initially doesn't leave me with a lot to believe in. But for me -- and this is very important -- I don't get a lot of spiritual traction by giving lip service to something I don't believe in. So, rather, I have pared down my faith to just that little bit I can believe in.

From that little beginning I can build a faith that is appropriate to me. I don't have to fit myself to another's faith, no matter how exquisite. That didn't work for me as a child and it doesn't work for me now.

So, it's about making faith work for me. I'm a very imperfect vessel, and today I humbly admit that I have an imperfect solution. It's a slow process, but it grows and builds within me and without me in a natural way.