Slowing down is working my program and vice versa

I've been slowing down lately. Walking slower. I've been driving the speed limit. Part of it has been deliberate and part of it stems from a reduction in the desire to get there and a satisfaction with being "here."

The practice reinforces the principle and the principle supports the practice.

My native inclination is to lean forward, to have my attention always on the next thing. There's a certain hopefulness in that, I guess, but when I'm really honest with myself, it stems from a dissatisfaction with the way things are and the way I am. I think that by getting to the next thing or merely getting away from right "here", that I will find more satisfaction in that other place.

I haven't found that satisfaction in the "other place" because, probably, when I get to the "other place" it has suddenly became "this place." Dang! And so I must press on; an eternally hurried pilgrim who never gets to the destination.

Maybe the destination is here. Here.

That's scary and challenging for me, because "here" -- the reality of who I am -- my imperfections, my emotions, my past -- is an unhappy place. I have worked the Steps and I am freed from the shackles of my addiction, but my release has been into a reality that stills seems dangerous and bleak.

I've wished it weren't so, but my wishing hasn't made it better. Nor has my striving brought me closer. All my effort cannot make it so.

If the destination is here, I must make a home of it. I recall as a young man that I would never decorate my room no matter where I lived. My restlessness never let me settle in. But here I am and despite my best efforts I am still me. "No matter where you go, there you are" as they say in Buckaroo Bonzai. I must admit, I'm think I'm settling in more from a feeling of weariness than a feeling that this is the right place. But it is working all the same.

Being here has a physical sensation: I can feel my feet on the ground. I feel a connection to the earth, even if the surface below my feet is blacktop as I walk from my car to my workplace. I am moving, I am heading someplace, but I am not pushing and I'm not being pulled. I'm just making my way. There is an easiness and relaxation to this walking, a fullness. Fullness.

It affects my mind as well. I'm much more likely to stop thinking and look around, and to see familiar things in a new way. I'm feeling my feelings more and staying with them. And sometimes even my mind is quiet. Quiet.

The practice reinforces the principle and the principle supports the practice.

There's an okay-ness to being here, being present. When this moment is enough, I don't need the future -- the next -- so desperately. I feel like I can live like this. What a tremendous relief. Relief.

Relief.