I am vulnerable

I was home alone this morning, just about to leave for work. I had taken some laundry down to the basement and was passing by the television set. I briefly wondered if we still had the DVD of the movie my wife and I had watched a few days ago. It had a brief scene of nudity.

And I thought, "I could look at that again."

Fortunately, I was actually moving, walking across the den carpet, when I had the thought and I just kept moving.

As I walked, I said "No." It was a gentle no, a soft no. I don't like to scold my addictive impulses, but I can't coddle them either.

My second thought was "I am vulnerable." I don't have that many impulses to act out, but when I do, I try to acknowledge them. Denial of my addiction is the strongest part of my addiction. The last time I acted out, I know that I had this suspended sense of reality, where I was actively trying to skirt around the truth of what I was up to.

The other thing I remember about the last time I acted out was that it wasn't the worst day of my life. I wasn't overwhelmed or anything. I was just vulnerable and I was downstairs in my den. A lot like this morning.

So I avoided a wreck. I am grateful for my awareness that helped me through that. I am grateful that I see more hope in the solution than returning to the problem.

And now I've recognized that I'm vulnerable and I need to get some help. I think I'll call my sponsor or another friend in recovery. Right now.

In the meantime, thank you God, for bringing me to this place.

Why the Blog?

I've never blogged before on any subject. I guess I did create one blog and one blog post and then I stopped. A big creative block for me is that I am afraid to reveal myself.

I don't know if that block is because I'm a sex addict or whether that block contributed to my sex addiction. For instance, I was originally exposed to recovery because of excessive drinking and drug use in my late teens and early twenties. I got both individual and group treatment and was able to stop. I've wondered since I got into recovery for sex, why am I also not an alcoholic and drug addict?

I think the reason is that those addictions are readily apparent: you can detect when someone is drunk and you can actually observe them using. People generally understand substance problems and know what people with drug and alcohol problems need: help. I didn't want to feel that way, and I didn't want people to feel that way about me. I stopped and I didn't start using again. Some people may think I'm a dry drunk, and maybe I am. Perhaps my drinking (I do drink alcohol, "like a gentleman") and my lack of drugging (completely clean over 10 years) will lead to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. At that point, I'll join my friends in AA and NA. Until then, I'll attend to my current problem.

Most importantly, out of control drinking was readily apparent to me. I couldn't be in complete denial about it. Sex addiction, at least how I practiced it, was a compulsive behavior that I could lie about to myself. It used porn, but I wasn't hanging out in "adult" bookstores. I looked at free porn on the internet, but I never bought it, never became a member of a site. I objectified every woman I ran across, store clerks, tellers, co-workers, but I didn't go to strip clubs. I cruised for one-night stands, made a "career" out of it, but I didn't go to prostitutes. I could lie to myself with my sex addiction. I couldn't do that as easily with actual mood-altering substances.

So I hide out. Part of this blog is still hiding. I'm writing under the name Cecil G. That's not my legal name and I'm not known by that name for anything but this blog. Part of it is that I want to be completely anonymous, even and especially with members of my home group. I don't want to be "the guy who blogs" in my meetings. Why not? First, I have a lot of grandiosity and I don't want the special attention. I also think it would change the tenor of my small meetings if people thought that what they said would end up in my blog.

Incidentally, I don't intend to blog my meetings. I might say "the subject of a meeting the other day was Step 6" or something, but I'll not be providing transcripts, let along quoting anyone. It's a violation of trust to do so. Meetings are sacred places and I honor and appreciate that sanctity.

Another reason to blog anonymously is that I'm not out about my sex addiction with my creative collaborators or my professional colleagues. I just don't think I'd be given the same opportunities if I was out about my addiction with the general public. My closest friends know, my wife and family knows. That's enough for now.

All in all, this blog is an outside issue entirely. I don't intend to use it as a forum for assessing the effectiveness of SAA or SA or SLAA or SCA or S-(fill in the blank). I will say, I wish there were unity, but I am not the person to bring these together, and this blog is not a forum for that action.

I'm also completely disinterested in sex addiction articles, scientific studies on sex addiction or the public's perception of sex addiction. I'm not interested in the sex problems of any celebrity or public figure. Those are all outside issues for me. I don't need the world to get better, I need to get better.

The purpose of the blog is to allow me to honestly express my experience of recovery.

So am I hiding? If I am, I am hiding so I will feel safe enough to share. I hope to be as honest in my writing as I am in my sharing at meetings. Maybe I can be more honest, because at meetings I feel compelled to offer hope to the newcomer. I'm just going to be honest here.

Quote for the day: the truth only hurts if you're living a lie.